EXTRAORDINARY CONVERSATION TYPIFYING MY PERSONALITY FLAWS

Katie: So, you know how I've always been awful at relationships and I'm habitually emotionally unavailable?

Danielle: Yep.

Katie: Y'know how I'm aloof and hard to read and infuriatingly mysterious?

Danielle: Oh yeah.

Katie: Know how I am always the busy one, and guys have to follow me around like lost, beaten puppies looking for attention?

Danielle: Yes.

Katie: Karma is a bitch.

Ladies and gentleman, the tables have turned. Katherine “Two Weeks or Less or Your Money Back” Montgomery is being stymied, shanghaied and mutinied. I, one of the founders of the Trip'N'Rip maneuver, the most successful sexual come-on OF ALL TIME, .... I am being stonewalled.

Oh, yes, you read that correctly, my goslings – STONEWALLED. I, Head of the Annual Icebitch Allthing, have been reduced to the groveling, clingy thing that I once reviled and flung forcibly from my bed. In a typical yet ironic turn of events, I am living in the endless purgatorial hell that for years I have inflicted upon others.

Now, I'm not trying to imply that I am being mistreated. Nothing would satisfy my ego more than to cry murder from the rooftops, but I find myself cock blocked even in this. I am aching to cry out, “Dude! How dare you not spend every waking moment with me, you goddamn astrophysics PhD candidate!”

Then I remember: “Oh. Wait. You're a PhD candidate. In astrophysics.”

Maybe I'll ask him to build me a time machine for Christmas so I can go back and beat his ass during the year he matriculated into this field.

[Sidenote: While I was busy writing this rant, I ignored my phone's ring several times. It was, of course, Peter, who was attempting to make time for me while I was figuratively stoning him on the InterWeb.]

Danielle: dude...so today
Danielle: I thought I was all alone
Danielle: and there was a leaf on a tree
Danielle: and it looked soft and pretty
Danielle: so I stroked it
Danielle: and made a funny noise
Danielle: I then realized that there was some dude right behind me
Kate: hahahah
Kate: HAHAHAHAH
Danielle: and he kinda cleared his throat
Danielle: and looked at me really funny
Danielle: oops

This is not the first awkward incident moment Danielle and I have shared – far from it. Like the time we were drunkenly stumbling home, rambling on about the virtues of abortion and our sad lack of drug money, and the two gentlemen in front of us decided to strike up a conversation rather than grimace and cower in the shadows. One of them introduced himself as Brian. We were inebriated, but not so much so that we didn't know sarcasm when we heard it. Bitches, we invented sarcasm. Then we realized that they were our next door neighbors and spent the next several hours printing out and hanging signs in our windows such as, “Brian Don't Hate Us Because We're Beautiful”, “Brian Our 'Grass' Is Greener” and “Brian Sometimes We Get Lonely”. There was the time several weeks ago when Danielle yelled “BALLS!” into the phone while sitting in the pristine hallways of her institution. There was the time I stole a blue Lion from a Pinball Pete's with Andy and several other accomplices in the dead of night, made a two-block run for it, got tired and stopped for pizza – saying hello to several police officers along the way.

The tradition of jackassery between us is rich, and I hope shall remain so until our social ineptitude is entirely age-inappropriate.

Fuck you, it is very age-appropriate at the moment, Mom.

Danielle: oh man...I missing Ann Arbor and 222 and everyone so much right now
Danielle: I was just thinking what we'd be doing right now
Kate: drinking
Kate: we'd be drinking
Danielle: and I was like..."well, Kathleen would be drunk watching SVU"
Danielle: "and katie would be drunk watching some crazy old movie"
Danielle: and I would be drunk and bitching about how I wanted to watch Spongebob
Danielle: and Sabrina would be drunk and dancing
Danielle: and Andrew would be harassing us (sober)
Danielle: and Andy would be drunk and asking people to finger his anus
Danielle: and Kellett would be in her room
Kate: drinking Maker's Mark from the bottle.

Our undergraduate memories bring a whole new dirty meaning to the word “nostalgia”. For more on the 222 hedonistic lifestyle, you can see my piece “Clapping for Cathouse” (so entitled by the great Andy "Scabies McGee" McGuire himself).

Danielle: I need a cute boy
Danielle: to spice up my life
Kate: hey, me too
Danielle: hey
Danielle: you've already got someone
Kate: Yeah
Kate: Stonewall Jackson
Danielle: HA!
Danielle: but still...
Danielle: its more than I got
Kate: We have vibrators
Kate: that's what's really important
Danielle: indeed

Danielle: I can't even get past "hi, how are you" :-P
Kate: When you meet the right guy, you will just skip hello
Kate: and go right to the trip n rip
Danielle: awww...the trip n rip
Kate: memories!
Danielle: I was actually just thinking about that earlier today
Danielle: I was like "I wonder if anyone remembers trip and rip"
Danielle: AND YOU TOTALLY DO!
Danielle: shweet!
Kate: of COURSE I remember the Trip n Rip!!
Kate: It has a 100% success rate!
Danielle: that's way old school
Kate: That's CAVEMAN old school

I love you, Ashley Danielle “Egypt” Ibrahim. May such conversations be archived in perpetuity, so that even when we are old, gray, and tenderly stroking soft leaves, we will always be young, barbarous, irresponsible and sexually dysfunctional at heart.

Hey, and Egypt? Let my people go.