THOUGHTS ON REFERENDUM GET-THE-HELL-OFF-MY-PROPERTY:

What do you call it when your kidney gives out every two weeks, leaving you with an emply bottle of apple brandy, a head full of unwanted memories, and an insatiable urge to pee?

You call it the retribution of your body for years of arrogant carelessness; you call it irony; you call it Reason # 42 to wear a diaper – or you call it a challenge.

What, kidneys? You think I can't survive without you? You think my body can't filter the waste from my blood on its own? You think I would collapse and die a horrible toxic death involving lots of foam and screaming?

Well, I got news for you, kidneys.

That's what Mexicans are for.

That is why today I voted “No” on the Colorado measure that would enable the state government to bring suit against the Feds for letting in too many of the Great Brown Unwashed. Seriously, Colorado. What is your ass thinking? Mexico is like a giant organ farm ripe for the plucking, and you have the world's entire fruit-plucking workforce right there to help. A man with a few syringes, some ice, and a dream ... that is all I and Colorado need.

So don't build fences, Colorado – build gigantic walk-in freezers. You'll need them where my kidneys are going.